There's this strange sense of calm That comes with age A peacefulness Despite all the chaos Contentment for what is And what passed It's like when we finally forgive ourselves For something that wasn't our fault. :)
There's a huge sadness weighing upon my heart By now it became familiar (Except for the increasing heaviness that takes me by surprise everytime) There is sad acceptance Giving up A bittersweet reality There is constant headache A lump in my throat And tears wavering on the edges Yet there is lightness despite it all I am sad I don't need people telling me what i already know And hate about myself So much it hurts Badly More than anyone deserves to hurt But i do And i am living with it Isn't this enough? Why isn't it enough? What do you want me to do? I can see the finish line But I'm holding back Walking slowly Should i make a run for it? And beat time? Would this be better somehow? I know that pain will disappear But I'm scared It's a scary thought Not to leave But to leave alone I don't want to leave alone With this loneliness that encompasses me Unloved as i am And sad So so sad.
Even after you've turned to dust floating around
And bits of flesh that very much resemble solid rocks
Devoid of spirit
Broken like glass beyond repair
Or leaves left to crumble and long since fallen to the ground,
They keep on breaking you down...
Even after you no longer smile
And all you see is black and white
Even after you grew old with bitterness
And aching bones
And silence as your only companion
Even after they married you off to a sad loneliness
And killed your unborn children
And then stabbed you for good measure
And then stole the blood you bled
And forced you to drink it,
They keep on breaking you down...
I just wonder
It's devastating to have no place in the world.
It's scary.
It's lonely.
It's also sad, when you think about it.
A whole vast world, an infinite universe, and not a safe place for you to be in.
It's quite depressing too.
Your existence stands alone, and probably always will.
Your right to love and be loved crashes in the face of all the hate in the world.
You have no home.
You never had.
It's cruel.
I'm weak these days
Barely
Breathing through thick air
And an old sadness
Heavily rooted somewhere inside
Always awake
I dream during the day
And at night I sleep without dreams
Sometimes I feel like the world might stop for a while
For me to catch a breath
And catch on
But when it doesn't
I realise that I've stopped running long ago
And that it doesn't matter
Because I've missed it before
Once
And more than once
I keep missing it every time
And I will never not.
Disconnected
Dissociated
I can't leave and i can't stay. But i am staying, am i not?
It's been years. All my life, really.
Barely away from here but always, always away.
Inside my head.
In my life choices. Almost.
(I can't stay here.)
But when they question your choice (it is really mine though?) and your happiness, you can only lie and pretend.
I'm not happy.
I'm not.
I don't want to be alone.
And everything i did in my life led me to this.
It's my fault, my doing.
It's my mental state.
It's my specific situation.
It's not them.
It's not them.
I can't leave. Sadly. I have no place anywhere.
I am physically held back.
I am w
The absurdity of life came crushing back
Hitting me hard
How real unreality felt at the time
How fragile
The bubbles keeping me afloat bursted
The threads snapped
Untangling me from the fake simplicity
And into an ocean of people and social and smiles and mentions and small hearts and colorful weird filters
Splash
Drown, they said
And then it's all a mess from there
And scrolling and scrolling and scrolling until my fingers ached and my neck stressed.
Tick-tocks
Time became real
Unforgiving
Drawing the black out of my eyebrows and head
Into old age and forgetfulness
Stories remained only for 24 hours
As if they could tell a lifetime wo
Even after you've turned to dust floating around
And bits of flesh that very much resemble solid rocks
Devoid of spirit
Broken like glass beyond repair
Or leaves left to crumble and long since fallen to the ground,
They keep on breaking you down...
Even after you no longer smile
And all you see is black and white
Even after you grew old with bitterness
And aching bones
And silence as your only companion
Even after they married you off to a sad loneliness
And killed your unborn children
And then stabbed you for good measure
And then stole the blood you bled
And forced you to drink it,
They keep on breaking you down...
I just wonder
It's devastating to have no place in the world.
It's scary.
It's lonely.
It's also sad, when you think about it.
A whole vast world, an infinite universe, and not a safe place for you to be in.
It's quite depressing too.
Your existence stands alone, and probably always will.
Your right to love and be loved crashes in the face of all the hate in the world.
You have no home.
You never had.
It's cruel.
I'm weak these days
Barely
Breathing through thick air
And an old sadness
Heavily rooted somewhere inside
Always awake
I dream during the day
And at night I sleep without dreams
Sometimes I feel like the world might stop for a while
For me to catch a breath
And catch on
But when it doesn't
I realise that I've stopped running long ago
And that it doesn't matter
Because I've missed it before
Once
And more than once
I keep missing it every time
And I will never not.
Disconnected
Dissociated
I can't leave and i can't stay. But i am staying, am i not?
It's been years. All my life, really.
Barely away from here but always, always away.
Inside my head.
In my life choices. Almost.
(I can't stay here.)
But when they question your choice (it is really mine though?) and your happiness, you can only lie and pretend.
I'm not happy.
I'm not.
I don't want to be alone.
And everything i did in my life led me to this.
It's my fault, my doing.
It's my mental state.
It's my specific situation.
It's not them.
It's not them.
I can't leave. Sadly. I have no place anywhere.
I am physically held back.
I am w
The absurdity of life came crushing back
Hitting me hard
How real unreality felt at the time
How fragile
The bubbles keeping me afloat bursted
The threads snapped
Untangling me from the fake simplicity
And into an ocean of people and social and smiles and mentions and small hearts and colorful weird filters
Splash
Drown, they said
And then it's all a mess from there
And scrolling and scrolling and scrolling until my fingers ached and my neck stressed.
Tick-tocks
Time became real
Unforgiving
Drawing the black out of my eyebrows and head
Into old age and forgetfulness
Stories remained only for 24 hours
As if they could tell a lifetime wo
It is sad
When love doesn't survive
Except in memories and missed opportunities.
Or when it is looked down upon
Just because it is different.
Or when it is given up
In favor of familiarity.
Death
Can't be worse than this.
Even the, probably
non-existence awaiting
Seems kinder.
When did it stop being
Scary?
When did both
Earthly and eternal loneliness
Become equally
Sensible?
On June 20, my poem "Mortuus" was given a DD and I am still in shock. It's like a dream I didn't know I carried come true. I've been on DeviantArt for 9 years (on a different account) and I never imagined something I've done would be featured among t...
A quick "I love all of my people here and I'm sorry I haven't been here a lot lately and didn't reply to you. Days are hard. But again I love you all. Truly :') ❤️"